Overview & Analysis of the 2010 Midterm Elections

Democratic Woes

Democrats have three things working against them heading into the 2010 midterm elections, which will be held Nov. 2, 2010.

The Disappointment Factor

As a candidate, Barack Obama campaigned on a promise of change, and millions of Americans bought into it, believing he would turn around the economy first and foremost. Instead, his preoccupation with implementing the liberal agenda as quickly as possible has taken precedent of everything else. While none of this was a surprise to conservatives, rank-and-file Democrats have expressed genuine surprise that Obama has not accomplished more since taking office. Not only has he shown that he’s incapable of making definitive decisions on hot-button issues, his vision of a new post-partisan, post-racial era has been mired in controversy from one end of his administration to the other.

The Economy

Ghe stagnating economy is an issue that hasn’t gone away despite the picaresque portraits painted by Democrats during the 2008 presidential campaign and beyond. In late 2009, the administration started seeing the problem in this, and people like Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke were trying to convince taxpayers that the economy was improving, while all signs indicated otherwise. This, too, is a result of the president trying to do too much too soon. Rather than focusing on pulling the economy out of the recession, Obama has been mired in the same partisan behavior that has hurt previous administrations. Things were supposed to be different under Obama … instead, there is just more of the same.

It’s Not 2008

Finally, without a popular figure at the top of the ticket, all those first-time voters who came out for Obama in 2008, likely will stay home in 2010. By the time the 2008 presidential election rolled around, Obama had been whipping his base into a frenzy since 2007 and people were almost foaming at the mouth to vote. As president, however, he has spread himself painfully thin, and hasn’t done much to motivate the base in terms of getting out the vote. This means the hard-core voters — the ones who turn out regardless of the weather or the latest flash in the pan candidate — will once again resume control of the polls. These voters tend to be elderly and conservative; not the Democrats’ greatest supporters.

A Stacked Deck

With the Left upset because Obama, Senate Leader Harry Reid, and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi haven’t done enough and the right upset because they’ve done too much, the moderates are left to sort things out. This does not bode well for Democrats.William Weiss, a regular contributor to this site, is as moderate as they come, yet his frustration with the Obama administration is palpable. He and other moderates are almost universally leaning to the right this time around and, of course, after the way the Democrats have treated conservative Republicans since seizing control of Congress, right-wingers are extremely motivated to deliver a powerful blow to Obama and the Democrats.

Winning Senate Scenarios

Republicans have identified a number of significant seats that, if won, would give them considerable Congressional leverage (if not outright control). There are also some winnable gubernatorial seats that, in conjunction with a Congressional victory, could go far in shifting the balance of power in the US. Among the top targets for Republicans are Vice President Joe Biden’s former Senate seat in Delaware, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s former Senate seat in New York, Senate Banking Chairman Chris Dodd’s seat in Connecticut and Republican-turned-Democrat Arlen Specter’s seat in Pennsylvania.

Delaware

Republican Congressman Mike Castle is said to have an early edge over potential Democratic candidate Beau Biden, Delaware’s attorney general and the vice president’s oldest son.

New York

In New York, Gov. David T. Paterson was doing so poorly in the polls in September of 2009, that Obama formerly asked him to not seek re-election. The following day, however, Paterson defiantly announced he would run for the seat, which he had inherited in 2008 following the resignation of former Gov. Eliot Spitzer. Spitzer was forced to resign the seat in the wake of a prostitution scandal. Paterson’s appointee for Clinton’s former Senate seat, Kristin Gilibrand, was being dragged down in the polls with Paterson, giving an early lead to a potential Republican candidate … if only there was one. Congressman Peter King announced in August that he would not run for the seat, and former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has said he has no interest in the seat (although he hasn’t ruled out a run for governor), eliminating the two main candidates for the position. Former Gov. George Pataki has been rumored to be considering a run, but until he makes an announcement the field is wide open for Republicans.

Pennsylvania

In Pennsylvania, Specter was losing so badly to former Congressman Pat Toomey that Specter had to switch party affiliations just to avoid getting trounced by the Republican rival. Toomey nearly beat Specter in 2004, losing by just two points. Specter, however, may not even be able to beat his opponent in the Democratic primary, popular Congressman Joe Sestak. In a Sestak-Toomey match-up, Toomey is projected as the favorite.

Connecticut

In Connecticut, former Republican Congressman Rob Simmons jumped to a slight early lead over Dodd, who remains mired in numerous controversies over his questionable associations with various banking organizations. Since May 2009, Simmons has expanded his lead to double digits and, barring some unforeseen controversy, should coast to victory.

Massachusetts

Although it is a long shot, there is a possibility of a GOP victory in the most unlikeliest of places — Massachusetts. The death of longtime Sen. Edward Kennedy in August of 2009 set up a special election for Jan. 19, 2010 (with a primary to be held on Dec. 8, 2009). The winner of that election will serve out the remainder of Kennedy’s term, which expires in 2012.

Although Massachusetts is traditionally a Democratic state, the winner of the special election could very well be a Republican if, as some are anticipating, Republican Curt Schilling announces his candidacy. If he does, the race could quickly turn into a toss-up. Schilling is a former Red Sox pitcher, who helped deliver a dramatic World Series victory to the state in 2004, breaking the legendary “Curse of the Bambino.” Schilling, an outspoken player who was often at odds with the media, is a polarizing figure. Nevertheless, his candidacy would have to be taken seriously by Democrats, if only for his name recognition.

Nevada

Another Senate race Republicans will target in 2010 will be in Nevada, where Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is perhaps the least popular incumbent in the US, and will face an arduous primary battle and general election in his quest for a fifth term. There are no fewer than eight candidates on the Republican side and at least three on the Democratic side. With so many opponents and such a low approval rating, it is entirely likely the next Senator from Nevada will be a Republican.

Winnable Gubernatorial Races

With no less than 36 gubernatorial races in 2010, Democrats would have a difficult time maintaining all their seats even under normal circumstances. However, with Democrats controlling Congress as well as the executive branch, they’ll be responsible for problems with the economy and any other issues arising before election day. With all politics being local, the most immediate outlet for voters’ wrath will be state and local elected leaders.

Arizona

In Arizona, Democratic Gov. Janet Napolitano vacated her position when she took a position as Obama’s Homeland Security secretary. Because Arizona voters don’t elect a lieutenant governor, Republican Secretary of State Jan Brewer succeeded her. While Brewer plans to run again, she will face a primary fight, but early polling has her holding on at least through the primary. If she wins, expect the GOP to pour money into this race in an effort to hold on to the seat.

California

With Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger stepping down after two terms as state law requires, former eBay CEO Meg Whitman is the likely Republican candidate to run for the seat in 2010. Should she win a primary, she’ll face a formidable opponent in either Sen. Dianne Feinstein or former California Gov. Jerry Brown. With Brown showing a slight lead in polling, Republican leadership definitely sees this as a winnable race.

Illinois

The saga of disgraced former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich tore the state of Illinois apart and has severely tarnished the image of the state’s Democratic Party. From the FBI investigation into Blagojevich’s alleged pay-to-play scheme for Obama’s vacated seat to his eventual appointment of Roland Burris and the fallout from that, Illinois voters are more than ready to elect a Republican. The only thing standing in the GOP’s way is the host of candidates who have lined up for a primary battle. Democratic Gov. Pat Quinn, who assumed the position when Blagojevich resigned, has announced he will seek a full term in 2010 and is widely seen as the candidate to beat.

New York

In New York, Paterson’s mishandling of the state deficit and the bumbling manner in which he appointed Clinton’s replacement (alienating popular candidates Caroline Kennedy and state Attorney General Andrew Cuomo — as well as their supporters) have hurt him in the polls. As such, Cuomo has expressed interest in challenging Paterson in the Democratic primary, and on the Republican side, Giuliani, is likely considering a run, while former Congressman Rick Lazio, has already announced his candidacy.

Michigan

Since Democratic Gov. Jennifer Granholm must step down according to Michigan law, the race for Michigan governor would be wide open under normal circumstance. With the state of the economy in Michigan so thoroughly decimated, however, voters could be ready to make a switch in leadership. With nine potential candidates, the only potential problem for the GOP could be a bruising primary battle. The good news, however, is that with eight candidates running, the Democratic primary could be equally painful.

Pennsylvania

In Pennsylvania, Democratic Gov. Ed Rednell has served two full terms, and must now step down. If the past is any indication of the future, a Republican governor will be selected in 2010. Every eight years, Pennsylvania voters alternate parties in and out of the governor’s office, and it is time for the balance of power to shift to Republicans. State Attorney General Tom Corbett announced in September 2009 that he would be running for the GOP nomination, following a similar announcement from Congressman Jim Gerlach. Both candidates are extremely qualified, but early predictions have given Corbett the lead. The most significant challenge from the Democratic side is Auditor General Jack Wagner.

Key Gubernatorial Races:

• Arizona (primary Feb. 5)
• California (primary Feb. 5)
• Illinois (primary Feb. 5)
• Michigan (primary Jan. 15)
• New York (primary Feb. 5)
• Pennsylvania (primary April 22)

Key Senate Races:

• California (primary Feb. 5)
• Colorado (primary Feb. 5)
• Connecticut (primary Feb. 5)
• Delaware (primary Feb. 5)
• Illinois (primary Feb. 5)
• Kentucky (primary May 20) *
• Louisiana (primary Feb. 9) *
• Missouri (primary Feb. 5) *
• Nevada (primary Jan. 19)
• New Hampshire (primary Jan. *
• North Carolina (primary May 6)
• Ohio (primary March 4) *
• Pennsylvania (primary April 22)
• Texas (primary March 4) *

* – Hot Race

Key House Races:

• Alabama’s Second District (primary Feb. 5)
• Idaho’s First District (primary may 27)
• Maryland’s First District (primary Feb. 12)
• Mississippi’s First District (primary March 11)
• New Hampsire’s First District (primary Jan.
• New Mexico’s First District (primary June 3)
• New York’s 29th District (primary Feb. 5)
• Ohio’s First and 15th districts (primary March 4)
• Pennsylvania’s Seventh District (primary April 22)
• Virginia’s Fifth District (primary Feb. 12)

Angelique bouquet – A Thoughtful Gesture

After her 18th birthday my daughter decided to move out and stay on her own. Even though I was proud that she had learnt to be independent, I was sad that I won’t be able to see her every day. I wanted her to know that I missed her a lot, but I didn’t want to call her up constantly and make her feel that I’m keeping tabs on her.

My friend then gave me this idea. She suggested that I send her flowers to let her know how I felt. I chose a beautiful Angelique bouquet from OnlineFlowers.com and that lovely bouquet with an assortment of gorgeous flowers like roses, gerbera daisies, alstroemeria, and stargazer lily flowers must have showed her how much I missed her. She was all choked up when she called me up. At that moment we both knew that wherever we are, our love for each other will always be strong. Our bond has only grown stronger ever since.

See what a simple floral bouquet can do? They are the best way to make a relationship last forever. These simple floral arrangements will work for any relationship. Be it your husband, sister, friend, or parents, any one will love it when you gift flowers to them.

These floral arrangements need not be used only as gifts. If you are having a dinner party at home, then these stunning floral arrangements will add that final touch and will impress your guests no end. They will be delighted to be greeted with beautiful red roses or elegant lily flowers. You will make the occasion even more wonderful with these beautiful floral arrangements.

So no matter what the occasion, you can add that special touch to it with a bunch of gorgeous-looking flowers. You will always remember the joy on their face when you give them these stunning floral arrangements made of exotic flowers.

Adult Dating Services, Free Adult Dating Services Worldwide

So you want to fun some wild sex, maybe? Where do you start? A bar? A club? A blind date? How about joining a dating site for adults.

Adult dating sites are the best way to find sex for adults who want to have fun sex with no strings attached. Adult dating sites in both singles and couples, swingers and anyone who is just about anything from sex to the extreme right of sex, one night stands wild cases.

Almost all people who join a dating site for adults are looking for a good time and most women who join a dating site for adults are looking for fun, with the potential of a relationship in the future, so watch out boys and girls, be honest.

Lets face it, if you join a dating site for adults, where people are looking for sex, expect to find people who want to enjoy sex, that is why dating sites for adults exist. Do not join a dating site for adults, if you’re looking for a long term relationship. You will find the feeling let down, and wait very long for the elusive “relationship”.

Dating services online adult allows adults to date and have fun in a safe environment. The cherry on top is that they will most likely get a lot of free sex with many different people! You’ve heard of 6 degrees of separation? This means that we are all connected in some way. Dating services online adult also connect people around the world and people living in the same area. Imagine you could be living a few houses away from someone you never knew would be great in bed for you. With more men than women using the Internet, it is not surprising that over the past two years, the imbalance between the sexes disappeared meetings for adults.

You must be aware that not everyone is on a dating site for adults is what you want, Nore they are sexually compatible with you and in the same type of sex as you, so read and the examination of multiple profiles of meetings for adults with a naked, many adult dating sites until you find, as a sensible person.

What Should I Do to Get My Ex Back

The question you ask yourself on a constant bases is “What should I do to get my ex back?” You experience painful emotions, sadness, your depressed, you hurt and you miss your ex badly. Everyone who experiences a breakup, someone who they deeply love, all go through this state. You are not alone.

There is tons of information on the Internet: books, video’s, and even courses to help you through your struggling time. If you would just stop and think for awhile before you go ahead of yourself and just use your common sense. Go back 100 years ago, there was no Internet and people ended up back with their ex’s. Thank goodness for the Internet because you now can feel your way around and choose the right information for yourself without having to wait for the horse rider to deliver your information which could take days.

Talk to older married couples, they will likely tell you their story on how they got back with their ex.

Your ex will know when your just playing games with them. Don’t do that. If the shoe was on the other foot you would be very angry with your ex. So why not treat your ex with respect. Using common courtesy will help in a big measure in winning your ex back as well.

Telling lies and trying to trick your ex is not a good plan for that is not a good feeling to have when your the one receiving the lies. They will soon begin not to trust you.

Be kind. I know that is very hard to do, but in the long run you will be a better person for that. You can apologies for saying hurtful things and that will show your ex that you really care. When you can do some of these things or most of them, this will answer your question to “What should I do to get my ex back?”.

Take time and think on how you have been acting towards your ex. If you were the ex would you like this treatment. Think before you speak and try not to raise your voice. Nobody likes anyone to shout at them. I don’t like the preacher man shouting in church. Oh please, do you have to shout, I hear your message.

These are a few steps for you and maybe you can only handle one at a time but just do it. Your whole world will turn around for you. But be sincere and real about it.

It’s not Hard to Say Thank You

Saying the words “thank you” is one of the first lessons a child must learn by example at home. Showing gratitude and making it a habit is a trait that can take one anywhere. Politicians, actors, and musicians say these words in every speech delivery possible. Why would they not when they will be nowhere close to where they are without their supporters and fans.

Pronouncing these two words does not have to be verbal all the time. A flower delivery accompanied by lavender tea bags in the afternoon is a good way to thank your editor for staying up all night, proofreading your manuscript to the last word. Kids show appreciation to their favorite teachers by giving them the juiciest and reddest apple, their mom’s infamous brownies, and drawings of their entire class by the school garden complete with multi-colored butterflies and doodled flowers. While they are crossing their fingers for monetary bonuses, staff members usually just get pizza and pasta from their bosses for bagging a new client.

It is especially beneficial to show gratitude in romantic relationships. The habit of frequently thanking your partner or as they say, being “romantically polite”, not only shows your appreciation but it also boosts his or her ego overtime. In addition, when you thank your partner for even the simplest gesture, the cheapest gift, or just for giving you a casual complement, it cues him that you liked what he just did or gave. This will definitely go down in this mental notebook as the things that please you and he in turn will do it more often.

Your options on how to say thank you, as a romantic partner is almost bottomless. Flowers and chocolates are and have always been good thank you tokens. Giving his dog a bath or bringing his car to the carwash is will guarantee a good karma. Handing the remote over during season finals and not talking during the game might sound silly but this will go a long way to some men.

Since gratitude is relative, saying or showing thank you can also be overdone. The key is to keep the delivery of your appreciation in the same or just a little over the gravity of the gift or gesture you have received. The only exception to this rule that I can think of would be saying thank you to your parents, your brother’s heart transplant donor, or the woman who gave you three beautiful children that you can just look at the whole day.

Inside The Mind of a Man

I think Love Matters should be an subject we learn about in school. Unfortunately it isn’t and most of us end up spending a life time, chasing after an idea of a man.

Men have been, and always will be, “wired” differently than women. The sooner you get that men are different, the sooner you’ll start expanding your own awareness and perspective and being seeing the secrets to making a man feel INTENSELY ATTRACTED to you, and creating a loving and lasting committed relationship between you and a man with what feels like little or no “work”.

It is possible.

Giving understanding, and seeking to first understand, and THEN be understood really does create more and more understanding in return.

For most women, dating a man is like looking at an iceberg. Much of what’s there is below the surface where you can’t see it. The behavior and communication you see and get from a man is what I call the “outer world” and it doesn’t show what’s actually going on underneath the surface in the “inner world” of psychology and emotions. As you know, sometimes it’s impossible to know or guess what a man is thinking. And oftentimes a man won’t lead about how he’s feeling until time has passed and he’s made up his mind about something.

The most frustrating example of this is how a man will start feeling “unsure” about a relationship, or not like something a woman is doing, but he doesn’t say anything. At least not until he’s already made up his mind that the relationship isn’t working, and he wants to leave.

This is the worst kind of frustrating nightmare for a woman… when all he needed to do was open his mouth and share what he was feeling, and it would have all worked out and brought you closer for it.

I can hear it now. The subtle voice in the back of your mind that you’d never say out loud… but is there wired up in your thinking and your beliefs in the way you interact with and approach men- “If only men were more like women…relationships would be so much easier.”

Is this really true? Think about it for a second?

Thinking from an emotional perspective, would you want to date a lot of the women you know?

Hmmm… Interesting.

Here’s something that should open your eyes a bit…

Men have been practicing their whole lives to hide their “inner world.” They’ve been conditioned to hide or ignore their emotions for most of their lives, even from the time they were little boys and there parents or their father said “Don’t cry. Toughen up.”

So it should come as no surprise that lots of men are completely out of touch with the ability to recognize what’s going on in their “inner world” and communicate what it is they are feeling. Especially when it comes to the passion and intensity that can come from dating and close intimate relationships.

You’ve probably tried to talk to a man about how you were feeling sometime, and you felt like he just wasn’t listening. Or that he didn’t care.

If you’re interested in understanding Men, there’s a whole lot to learn here in these moments…

Gay Online from Totally Free Gay Dating Sites

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The free gay sites of dating are to help singles and of the personnel to find their associates. When you visit the nightclubs, you must pay much money of drinks. Sometimes you must cover for your associate the expenditure. To date on line is without expenses and recreation. You do not pay anything when you are registered with a personal advertisement, seek the homosexual ones, and contact these single males. There is a free two-way matched rule of service thus the members do not pay a cost. Some paid gay sites of dating charge you with small monthly fees of adhesion. However, when you unite homosexual the completely free one singles sites, there is not any implied fee. You are free to seek thousands of homosexual personnel. You can come into contact with thousands of homosexual singles in day.

When we joined the free gay sites of dating on the Internet, we want to seek for a homosexual associate. We want up to now with somebody, we want just the males faithful which respect themselves. We seek the honest people who like to be faithful and seeking the love of truth just. We speak about the long-term love between us and our special somebody with whom we can share our life. Somebody with whom we can make confidence and divide with all. This homosexual should be that which we like of the bottom of our heart. This is considered the true date for the gay types. There is no other manner of finding a good in love but with the sites of dating on line. Reports/ratios are created much each year on line. You can find these articles of dating to say about this on the line.

The gay single men seek one for the other with the Web sites male of dating for the dating and the romance. We are the gay males and we are proud ourselves. We like to be the homosexual ones to only love other homosexual men, not of the women. We can have the female friends but for the romance and the report/ratio, we only seek just men. The date we had been born to be merry, we like to play with the homosexual ones. There are many gay clubs which we can find the love and the date but these places does not help us to find a date of life. These places are recreation to be danced with the music on line. You can find your associate homosexual sexual the report/ratio here but not in the long run. The homosexual ones find their companion of life to the free male sites of dating. You should not pay anything for the use of the free gay services of dating.

Do Men Cheat More Than Women?

So who cheats more, men or women? This is a popular and controversial question. There aren’t any exact statistics available on this, and the numbers would surely be innacurate, anyway. This is because when it comes to people admitting their cheating in polls and surveys, men tend to inflate their number of affairs and sexual partners, while women tend to hide or downplay the extent of their extramarital affairs.

According to a poll conducted by WomanSavers.com, over 62% of women think that men
cheat more than women. This isn’t surprising — because most of the voters were men!

Naturally, women believe that men do most of the cheating, while men will argue at
women cheat “just as much as they do.”

Is this really true? Some experts say that these days, women and men do cheat in equal numbers. The difference is that men who cheat tend to be more “serial” about it — they cheat with a variety of sexual partners. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to get into a longer-term extramarital relationship.

Decades ago, men surely did most of the cheating because they had far more opportunities to do so. It is true that most affairs begin in the workplace, and back then, men were the only ones that HAD a workplace to go to. Women stayed at home and took care of the kids and the household.

Today, of course, men and women are both in the workplace and interacting with members of the opposite sex. Women are spending more time at work with their male colleagues than at home with their husbands. The workplace is also fertile ground for cheating because people tend to leave their grumpy feelings behind when they go to work. At home, people are stressed out over bills, taking care of the kids, and problems with their spouse; when they go to work, they can leave all of that behind.

Also, people tend to look their best at work. They want to look attractive and presentable. In the workplace, men see women — and women see men — in their best
light.” It’s not the same when they’re at home, lounging around in a pair of sweatpants.

According to a survey, 46 percent of unfaithful wives and 62 percent of unfaithful
husbands have had affairs with someone they met at work. So you see, cheating at the workplace is a very big problem — and it’s happening with both men and women.

Another interesting statistic shows that the more money a husband has, or earns, the more likely he is to cheat on his wife. Having cash enables a man to travel, to join clubs, and to take time off from work. It also enables him to purchase gifts for other women, or pay for hotel rooms and travel when they want to get together.

Men who don’t have much money tend to spend more time and attention on their families.

They have less time alone (which could otherwise be spent pursuing women), and they lack the funds to carry on affairs or take care of a mistress. But, this is not to say that the Average Joe who earns a regular wage is not going to cheat. Many of these guys do cheat, they just tend to have a harder time covering their tracks — and they often get busted.

Through my research, I’ve also found that most men who cheat aren’t looking to get
involved in long-term “affairs” with one woman. In America, it’s not common for
cheating men to keep a mistress on the side. It’s much more likely that they are
pursuing casual sex with different women, and one-night stands.

The other big question people ask is WHY men cheat, versus why women cheat. Do men and women stray for different reasons? The common assumption is that men are ruled by their sex drives and cheat mostly for sexual gratification, while women cheat when they feel emotionally neglected.

Well, my research has shown that “neglect” is the operative word in MOST cheating situations. When men feel neglected, they cheat. When a woman feels neglected by her husband, she’ll be open to offers from other men. This neglect can come in many forms — in the bedroom, or simply not taking an active interest in your partner’s feelings and being emotionally supportive when they have troubles.

The reason why infidelity is so common in our society is that too many people place more value on their careers, children, hobbies and friends than they do on their relationships with their partners. When you neglect your relationship and your partner, it’s may be only a matter of time before they start looking for happiness elsewhere. No one wants to feel neglected.

The bottom line is this: if you want to avoid becoming yet another infidelity statistic, you must nurture your relationship on a daily basis and pay attention the warning signs, before it’s too late.

Relationships: The Art of Listening

In 1974, Dr. Virginia Satir presented the concept of mirroring in her groundbreaking book, “Conjoint Family Therapy.”

In 1975 Dr. Thomas Gordon wrote a best-selling book called “Parent Effectiveness Training.” In the book he taught parents to “active listen,” which means to reflect back to the speaker the feelings and information they are trying to convey.

Mirroring, or active listening, is a powerful tool, but whether or not it works depends upon your intent.

If you are active listening to another with an agenda to get them to see what they are doing wrong, or to get them to listen to you after you listen to them, then your intent in listening is to control. The person you are listening to can easily pick up the energy of control and will get angry or go into resistance. Listening with the intention to control backfires and just creates confusion in communication.

However, active listening from a true desire to understand another’s feelings and point of view can be magical. When you listen to learn and understand, rather than to control, you give the other person a great gift.

We all want to be heard and understood. While it is our responsibility to hear and understand ourselves – our own feelings and needs – and take loving action for ourselves, it also feels wonderful when someone we care about hears and understands us. This is the basis of emotional intimacy.

When I work with couples, I teach them that there are only two healthy ways of dealing with conflict:

1. Move into an intent to learn
2. Speak your truth and lovingly disengage

MOVING INTO AN INTENT TO LEARN

When you really desire to understand another, you move into an intent to learn – both about yourself and about them. Actively listening to the other is a major aspect of learning. When you really want to deeply know another, you listen carefully and mirror back to them what you hear them saying and feeling. It is not a matter of agreeing with them, but of understanding them. It is not about changing them or changing yourself, but about really hearing them and attempting to see the world through their eyes – understanding the good reasons they have for feeling and behaving as they do.

For example:

Your partner: “I’m still angry at you for being late and not calling me when you know I worry about you.”

You: “I hear you saying that it’s really unsetting to you when I don’t call when I’m going to be late. You feel I don’t care about the fact that you worry.”

Your partner: “Right. If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t want me to worry.”

You: “I understand. It hurts your heart when you know that I know you worry and I don’t seem to care about that.”

Partner: “Yes, that’s exactly right. So if you understand this, are you going to start to call me when you are late?”

You: It sounds like you believe that if I understand you, then I will change – that I have no good reasons for not calling, is that right?

This dialogue can go on until it feels complete to both of you.

Your partner may or may not want to hear why you were late without calling, and you need to let go of getting him or her to hear you. That’s the hard part!

SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH AND LOVINGLY DISENGAGING

There are times when, even if you are open to learning and really want to understand another, the other is just intent on attacking and blaming you. When this is the case, you might want to speak your truth and lovingly disengage. This looks like saying something like: “I’d love to talk with you about this when you stop being angry,” and then walking away, keeping your heart open. This means that you are not withdrawing in anger or blame. You are staying in compassion for yourself and the other person so that when he or she opens, you have no residue because you have taken full responsibility for yourself.

Once the other person is no longer angry and blaming, you might want to again open to learning and active listening to them – with no agenda that he or she listens to you. True listening is an act of giving with no expectation of anything in return. It is a kind and loving way to interact with someone you care about. It is a great gift.

Relationships: The Dance of Victims and Perpetrators

“He is always blaming me for the bad things that happen in his life, and then he tells me it’s my controlling him that is making him so angry. He yells at me and puts me down rather than deal with his own feelings. How can I get him to see that he is the one trying to control me? How can I get him to take responsibility for his own feelings rather than keep on dumping them on me?”

Lillian was clearly feeling victimized by her husband Rob.

It is always amazing to me when a person who is blaming their partner for blaming them does not realize that they both are trying to control each other – that they are both blaming!

“Lillian, when you are trying to get Rob to see what he is doing that you don’t like, aren’t you also trying to control him?”

“Oh…..Oh, I never thought of it that way. I just thought that if I could get him to see that he is blaming me, maybe he would stop and deal with himself.”

“But aren’t you blaming him for blaming you?

“Yes, I guess I am! So when he says I am trying to control him, he’s right?”

“Yes! Anytime you blame someone for your feelings, you are trying to control them. The two of you just do it differently. He does it with his anger and meanness, while you do it with your logic and explanations. He gets angry at your debating, and you debate when he gets angry. It is a circle between you – each of you reacting to the other with your own ways of trying to control.”

“Yes, but he…”

“Lillian, you are about to do it again. You want to complain about him rather than look at what you are doing and what you need to do differently to take loving care of your own feelings. Your eyes are constantly on him – on how he feels and how he acts and what he needs to do differently. Because he is the angry one, he seems to be the perpetrator and you seem to be the victim. But he could just as easily claim that you are the perpetrator with your constant nagging at him, which he feels victimized by.”

“But I just want him to hear my feelings – to understand how his behavior makes me feel.”

“Aren’t you wanting him to understand your feelings so that he will change? Isn’t telling him your feelings a way to make him responsible for your feelings? Isn’t this just another form of control?”

“Oh my God, I can see that! I didn’t know I was doing that!”

“Lillian, until you get your eyes off him and think about how to take loving care of yourself in the face of his anger, you will continue to feel like a victim and try to control him into changing. It hasn’t worked for the 20 years of your marriage. What makes you think it is ever going to work?”

“I didn’t know what else to do. I’ve been so miserable. I thought the only other thing I could do is leave and I don’t want to leave. I love him.”

“Yes, I know you love him. So leaving is not an option and neither is changing him. It’s time to control what you can control, which is you. I suggest that when he is yelling at you, taking loving care of yourself would mean disengaging – not getting into it with him while keeping your heart open – and go do something you enjoy doing. Are you willing to practice doing this?”

“Yes!”